KatrinaWightman.com

The 50/50 Myth

As a young woman growing up in the 80’s and 90’s I heard that in a marriage each spouse should put in 50% of the effort needed to make a marriage work and a house run. This sounded good to me at the time. Then one day a friend’s mother told me something that changed my thinking. She said it is not always 50/50 there are going to be times when one of the spouses is going to putting in more effort and you’re going to have a 60/40 or even 80/20 split from time to time. I have always remembered those words and have seen the truth of them in my own marriage. I use the term being carried to denote when the other spouse is putting in more work and effort.

The one time I remember being carried most distinctly is when I had my kidney donation surgery in 2008. It was right before my daughter started 6^th grade. My husband had to take a pre-teen shopping and get her to her first few days of school. Since he did not have children before we got together this was a new experience for him. He did this on top of caring for me.

I try to think of that when I am the one doing the carrying because it is easy when you’re the one carrying the other to forget when they carried you and the same holds true for the one being carried. You tend to forget carrying the other one. Remember it isn’t going always be 50/50 and not trying to hold onto the impractical ideal makes for a happier marriage.

Life and Love

The road seems never-ending

Obstacles abound

When I am weary you carry me

When you are weary I carry you

Ever forward we go

Until the road ends

This is our life’s journey

This is our love story

An Expression of Love

I always tell people that we feed people in my family that is what we do. Growing up I learned we care for our family by providing nourishing sustenance. Although there were many lessons about this the one I remember most clearly is my grandmother picking me up from school every day for lunch in Junior High. It was a closed campus but I was allowed to leave. I had numerous allergies and it was difficult to find lunch items on the menu I could eat. My grandmother would cook me lunch every day to ensure I had a nutritious lunch that I would enjoy. Years later I have taken a lesson from my grandmother about feeding people you love.

The alarm goes off at 5:30am and my husband gets up. At 6:00am he heads to the shower and I slip out of bed and into my robe. I head to the kitchen and start my coffee brewing. I grab my husband’s lunch box and begin gathering items to make his breakfast and lunch. I started this routine a few months ago when my husband transferred to an inside day position. He came home and told me all his coworker’s took their lunch and he need to get a lunch box. We were out shopping for another item when he spot the minion lunch box and he decided it was perfect. I offered to make his lunch and breakfast for him. I love to cook and it would be an opportunity to ensure he had a nutritious lunch to enjoy. It would also be an expression of love although I didn’t realize it at the time. An expression I learned a long time ago.

My husband’s coworkers always ask him what he does to get me to make his lunch and breakfast. He tells them he doesn’t know but he is going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Even on the days when I have been out dancing and only been asleep for a few hours I roll out of bed and ensure he has lunch and breakfast. I am sure there were days my grandmother didn’t feel much like cooking but she did and I know why.

Because it is as an expression of love. Watching my husband walk out the door in his suit, badge, and gun; toting his minion lunch box packed with food prepared with love makes me smile and warms my heart.

That must be nice

That must be nice. Wish I could do that. Aren’t you lucky. These are phrases I dislike. These are phrases I have heard periodically throughout my life. However, at this point in my life I hear them regularly.

I generally live a happy contented life. Unfortunately, talking about my day to day life often elicits these phrases. It makes me not want to share my life with others. Some people say it without even thinking about what they’re saying. They say it without understanding that it is designed to diminish the happiness or contentment of the person speaking about their life. It is a defensive mechanism stemming from a desire to have what that person has, commonly known as jealousy.

I understand jealousy. I have periodically experienced it throughout my life especially when life seems darkest or most mundane. I have worked on a skill that generally allows me to effectively deal with this jealousy. I try to look at the person who has what I desire and determine how I can achieve the same. What I discovered over the years when analyzing what I would need to do to achieve what they had is that most had worked hard to achieve their goals. They had made sacrifices and difficult choices to do that instead of other things. Sometimes I realized I didn’t really want to make those sacrifices and that I had certain other things that were of more value to me than achieving what they had. Even if it was something they were just born with often there were difficulties in their lives off setting that blessing. Sometimes there was the realization that there were simple things I hold dear that they missed because they had this other blessing.

I know squelching the green-eyed monster and analyzing the situation is easier said than done. I still think it is a valuable skill to work on. It helps you to understand the person, find goals that are important to you, clearly define the steps to achieve those goals, and to value what you have.

It can also stop you from using those above mentioned dreaded phrases. Instead try to find something to say that doesn’t diminish their happiness. Try expressing happiness for them even if you are struggling to feel it at the moment. Try one of the phrase below instead.

That is cool

That’s great

I am happy for you

I am happy that you’re happy.

I am glad you enjoy that.

I am glad you get to do that.

The importance of Dinner Conversation

My husband and I are both busy people by chose. We love living life to the fullest. My husband works full-time and is working on his fifth degree.He also has a job application in at the state department and will be taking the promotion test for Captain as soon as it is offered. I am currently a volunteer attorney for children, a board and committee member, blogger, ballroom dance instructor trainee, and overall project junkie. Between our busy schedules and (as introverts) our need for alone time; we both work really hard to make sure we spend quality time together. Since my husband’s recent transfer to a desk job, on days, we generally manage dinner together. Usually, something I have thrown into the crock pot that morning. One of my favorite things about these dinners is the conversations.

Last night entailed a lengthy discussion about black holes and their event horizons. Einstein’s belief in wormholes and the issues with that theory. For instance the spaghetti effect issue. Although, you’re as likely to hear us debating the last supreme court or local court ruling or a myriad of other topics spanning pop culture to obscure scientific or legal theories. My husband’s ability to generate and discuss such diverse and interesting topics is what initially drew me to him and helps continue to kindle the flame.

As we approach our six wedding anniversary I find myself contemplating the in and outs of marriage. What factors played a part in us reaching this milestone. What factors will help us reach the next one. I think our conscious efforts to make it work and spend time together is a big one. That along with our communication skills and willingness to forgive has brought us a long way and will continue to do so.

Absent Muse

I go to our usual spot by the fountain.

I drink my coffee and draft my daily to do list.

Pen and favorite journal in hand I wait for you.

Many morning have passed without you, yet still I come and wait.

We are old friends who have weathered each other’s absences many times over the years and

I know one morning you will return as if no time has passed and we will pick up where we left off.

For now I will enjoy the quiet stillness and day-dream of meetings past.

A slice of life

A friend and I took a quick road trip to Chicago this weekend to attend the Chicago Underground Blues Experience or Cube 2015. We did some blues dancing and met some nice people. We also managed to see some of Chicago while we were there. The drive at just over 10 hours wasn’t horrible even though the people of Chicago love their horns. Now it is back to the day to day which includes training for my ballroom dance teacher certification and making progress on several creative projects I have stewing. I closed another kid case right before I left town and need to pick up a few new ones. I have a new position on the B.O.D. for my kid agency which I am also very excited about. I am enthusiastically running again; which is the activity that took the longest to recover post ankle surgery. I will continue to plug along as we await results from my husband application to a government agency which may take us to far away place. For now I am looking forward to August when he will move from graveyard to day shift. This will be a first in our married life. This will happen shortly after we celebrate our six wedding anniversary. Well that is enough about me. I have a couple of new poems for you below. I hope you enjoy.

The road is my mistress

My mistress is never far from my thoughts

Even when I seek the comfort of home and the anchor of my loves arms.

As I fall asleep at night she sings songs of enchanted evenings dancing under the stars and of sights and sounds of places near and far.

Each night I am briefly transport back there and I can once again smell the essence of the place and taste its food. See its people and its places of wonder and delight.

In the morning she whispers in my ear of dances not dance, places not seen, and experiences not had and she seeks to seduce once again.

I know soon I will pack my bags and join her unable to resisted her.

For she is my mistress and I love her.

________________________________________________________

Parts matter not

A fiery spirit that sparkles in the eyes

A passionate and kind heart

A seeker of knowledge and adventure

That is what enchants me

Parts matter not

Vacation Highlights

It has been several weeks since I last posted. In fact my last post was published the day before we left on our Alaskan Cruise. We flew to Seattle the night before, as is our practice. The next morning we had a breakfast at the Citizen Cafe and I sampled their Korexican Tacos. They were delicious. After breakfast we had just enough time to squeeze in the Chihuly Garden and Glass museum and I am glad we did. The colors, shapes, and overall composition of the pieces was amazing. Of course we had to go through the gift shop to exit the building. Although, there were some beautiful pieces we stuck with our traditional refrigerator magnet purchase. We headed to back to the hotel, grabbed our bags, and caught a shuttle to the port. The boarding process was not too tedious or long and the metal in my ankle did not set off the detectors. Our room was comfortable and we settled in quickly. On our seven-day cruise on Holland America we traveled to Juneau, Glacier Bay, Sitka, Ketchikan, and Victoria B.C.

Juneau was our first stop and because it was lunch time we grabbed lunch at the Hangar on the Wharf. Malcolm had the King Crab Alyeska sandwich and I had Prime Rib and Cheddar both were sandwich perfection. We walked around town a bit and finally made our way to the buses that would take us out to Mendenhall Glacier. Once there we hiked two-mile out and back to Nugget Falls where we snapped some photos and took in the breathtaking scenery. We then took the bus back and caught the tram up the mountain. Thankfully it was much shorter and a lower altitude then the tram in Jackson Hole Wyoming and thus was bearable. The view from the top of the mountain was worth it and after a brew break in the cafe we headed down and back to our ship.

Nugget Falls

Glacier Bay was an on board experience. We all flood to the decks of the ship to take in the natural wonders narrated by a park ranger. A delicious dutch pea soup was served as our ship made it way through the icy waters.

Glacier Bay

In Sitka we visited the national historic park and viewed many intricate totem poles. However, the highlight for both of us was the Raptor center where we came face to face with a rescued eagle. Thankfully there was a barrier between as we observed his powerful talons. A quick stop at a local pub for an afternoon snack and then back to the ship.

Eagle

Ketchikan was our next stop as it was morning when we disembark we head for a local cafe to consume our morning fuel. It was a fifties style dinner with a Route 66 sign on the wall. We walked around downtown in the area dedicated to the pioneer women who came to Ketchikan also know as the red like district. We pick up some souvenirs and made our way back to the ship.

Our final stop was Victoria British Columbia. It was early evening when we docked and made our way off the ship. We headed to China Town for an early dinner. We then walked around town for a bit taking in the sites before finding our way to a restaurant on the harbor. We pop in to the flying Otter for a brew and snacks. My husband found a new favorite beverage which was a combination of beer and clamato.

Victoria

We had an enjoyable time in each of the ports we visited but we also had some great times on the ship. We meet some interesting and fun people including the guy who worked with elephants at a California zoo. We took a cooking class with one of the executive Chefs. We savored many delectable meals and wine. Of course there was lots of resting and reading and I can’t forget the dancing. The dancing with the stars jive lesson that turn into a competition which I won and then was entered into the finals on the last afternoon of the ship. Which was held on the main stage dancing with the stars style. Although, I didn’t win the finals it was an exciting experience I won’t soon forget. This was a great vacation that provided interesting experiences, plenty of rest, and one on one time with my hubbie.

Fire light Musings

Kindred Soul

Darkness surrounds me,

held at bay by the flames that dance before me.

The creatures of the night are the only sound.

I watch the flames dance.

Darkness surrounds him,

held at bay by the flames that dance before him.

The creatures of the night are the only sound.

He watches the flames dance.

His eyes are my eyes.

But his time is not.

We watch the flames dance.

_______________________________________________________________

Our Love, A Slow Steady Burn

When I looked at you

and saw your smile.

When you spoke to me

and left me spellbound.

When we shared our first meal.

I felt it.

Like good whiskey going down

Our love, a slow steady burn.

When you held my hand

and kissed my nose.

When our lips first met.

The first I love yous

and night of love.

I felt it.

Like good whiskey going down

Our love, a slow steady burn

When you spun me round

and promised never to let me go.

When we said I do

and you took her as your own

I felt it.

Like good whiskey going down

Our love, a slow steady burn

Time has flown.

But I still feel it.

Like good whiskey going down

Our love, a slow steady burn.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Always Here

Alone in the darkness,

Illuminated only by fire light and distance stars.

She found it.

She felt it

and wondered.

Why had it not occurred to her to look for it here before?

For where else could it be but here.

Always here.

She thought.

Always here

Mud Run

I did a mud run a couple of years ago and loved it. Several months ago I signed up for same run again. This time I had two friends sign up with me. In December I broke my ankle in three places and I had a plate and nine screws installed. I wasn’t sure if I would recover in time.

I made a fairly swift transition back to walking. Of course that was the only thing I was focused on during that time. The transition from walking to running has been slower. I slowly jogged a quarter-mile on the treadmill last week, twice. Granted I have returned to my daily yoga practice and weekly dance lessons as well all my other life duties. I decided not to do the race because I knew I would be unable to run it especially on the uneven ground. Beside it was only two weeks away from our makeup cruise and I wasn’t going to be the reason my husband missed another well-deserved vacation.

My derby team was signed up to volunteer for six-hour shifts at the event. I signed up for the early morning shift along with my friend Stefanie. As this was during our race time we made our decision not to run. I woke up at four thirty dressed in comfortable jean shorts and a tank top. I drove the almost hour drive to the middle of nowhere and meet up with my group around six thirty. We started the morning out at the t-shirt tent. We were then moved to the Beer tent as they needed people over 21 there and we fit the bill.

Stef and I went ahead and picked up our packets because they had a free beer and t-shirt coupon. Neither one of us being beer lovers passed those on to other team members. Someone asked if we were going to run; earlier we had heard they allowed people to run at a different time if needed. After getting there and being around all the runners and the fun atmosphere Stefanie said she wanted to do it. I felt the desire too; I mean the atmosphere is set to do just that, inspire you to run. She said she had planned on walking it. Walking I thought to myself I could walk but there are all those obstacles that I might not be able to do and I would need to verify the different time thing.

I said let’s go find out if there are any obstacles you can’t go around and if you can go at different time if you are volunteering. We found one of the event employees and ask her our questions. She told us we could go around all the obstacles and run after our shift. We decided we were going to do just that.

We went back to our station at the beer tent. However, it was clear that they had too many volunteers at this station and so they moved five of us derby girls to the food tent to be cashiers. We stayed busy all morning and at 1:00pm our replacements arrived.

Now was the time to decide. In my head I was running through the reasons not to do it. I am not really dressed for it, I thought. Enough so that it is doable was my response. I have been up on my feet all day and my ankle is a little tired as are the rest of my legs. They are not unbearable, I replied. I might re-injure myself. I probably won’t because I will be walking and can go around any obstacles I can’t do, I said. Well I was out of excuses so we headed to the car to drop off our stuff off and get ready to go. Stefanie made a quick call to check on the wee ones which could be a possible out but no all were well.

We headed to the started line and when the start sounded the runners took off. We followed behind them. I closely watched the ground to ensure I didn’t have a misstep. We were at the first obstacle before we knew it and then the second. The second required you to get a running start and jump on top. We watched several people do it unsure if we could manage it. Then two of the people who made it to the top offered us a hand. I thought, I can jog a few step jump up on my good ankle and grab their hands. I did just that and we were up and over our second obstacle. Several more obstacles presented themselves and slowly and steady we made our way over, under, and through each one. There were two obstacles midway we didn’t complete as I felt they were too risky with my ankle. The steep slope I crab walked down sliding on my butt some of the time. The jean shorts were very helpful there. We began to hear the music and could see the stage which was near the end. We approached the second to last obstacle the fire pit; in which they had just stoked the fire. The volunteers at this area where giving instructions and you can do it cheers.

It would require a running start and jumping. My head was telling me to go around but I was caught up in the moment. I thought I could plan it to land on my good ankle. My friend Stef was dubious about my success and asked again if I wanted to go around. I was going for it my stubborn streak showing. I took my jogging start and leaped over the fire pit. Unfortunately, in the moment I lost focus and all I could think was that I needed to get over the fire. My muscles took over and reverted to their memory from high school hurdles which I always did with my left leg back and my right leg straight. I made it over the hurdles and landed with a jolt on my right leg and ankle. I felt a pop as my ankle took the blow and felt pain coursing through my ankle. I stood there letting the pain subside. I walked a few steps a limp now in my step cursing my stubbornness. Thinking to myself I was going to need to go around the last obstacle. I gave my ankle a minute to rest and the pain subside and it went back to my normal tired soreness. There was one obstacle left and we were done. We had accomplished more than I had expected. Standing there covered in mud with a renewed determination I tackled the last obstacle. Covered in mud head to toe we received our finisher’s medals. We took a quick picture to remember the occasion, before rinsing off. I iced my ankle and stayed off it as much as possible all evening.

It is often difficult to know where my limit it. Deciding how much of what I feeling is mental, stemming from my fear of re-injury. I often find myself unsure about trying something only later to do it and wonder why I was afraid. At the same time I don’t want to ever do anything to re-injure myself and often the line between overcoming fear and re-injure is unclear.

I am glad I did the race as it is always a very empowering experience but I will be giving my body and ankle ample rest over the next two weeks to ensure we get to go on our vacation.

Pass it on!

Growing up my grandfather always planted a garden. I would help him pick it and of course eat it. From time to time my mother had a garden as well and for several years now I have had an ever-growing garden. I was asked by a friend’s mother to help her plant a garden. I agreed but emphasized that I was not an expert. I have always hesitated to teach something to people unless I considered myself an expert. She assured me it would be fine as I would know more than she did.

Sunday afternoon I arrived hand tiller in tow. Her husband prepared food on the grill and we started preparing the vegetable bed. We tilled the soil and I passed on the knowledge I had which was more than I realized. If I did not know an answer I told her I did not know but could find out. I had an epiphany. I don’t need to be an expert to have knowledge worth passing on. Someone who does not have that knowledge will find value in it. I help them set up their garden and they feed me a delicious meal. I also learned an important lesson about teaching that has application in many areas of my life.