Red Cowboy Boots

I had a dream the other night. Most of it faded as I woke up but I remember the last bit quite distinctly. My mother, father, and I were walking in a city somewhere. My mother was dressed in a red western shirt, jeans, and red cowboy boots. My father was wearing jean shorts, a t-shirt, and running shoes.

At some point the cowboy boots begin to hurt my mom’s feet, so my dad trades shoes with her. I remember seeing him in his aforementioned attire with the bright red cowboy boots on his feet. He is grinning not a care in the world what anyone thinks. My mom and I both smile back at him secretly wishing we could be more like that.

I sent my mother a text recounting my dream and she agreed that it sounded just like my dad. This post is dedicated to the hope that we can all learn to be a little more like my dad and wear our Red Cowboy boots not caring what other people think.

Decisions… Decisions

Yesterday I talked about the decisions or choices we make every day. How one should strive to choose the choice that make the world a better place. In presenting my ideal theory I briefly mentioned the fact that it would not be an easy thing to do. Well this morning my brain was thinking more about the difficulty of the decisions we make every day especially when they involve other people. The small choice that are relatively easy to make and the bigger more complicated decisions in life that present the real challenges. The ones that affect the other people in our lives whom we care about. These require more analysis and reasoned thought. When one analyzes the situation what is best for you may not be the best for the other people in your life. So you struggle to determine how important it is for you and how much it will impact those in your life. Although emotion will play into it a little, as we are human, I try to focus on the reasoning. Then I make a reasoned choice based on my careful analysis. But what about those times that your intuition is telling to do something that defies logic. Those are the tough ones for me. I am a believer in both scientific reasoning and intuition. To me intuition is often reasons your subconscious is picking up on that your conscious mind hasn’t yet. I have made decisions in the past based on my intuition and later the reasons and logic behind the decisions became quite clear. Intuition to me is not emotional. I am very careful to rule out emotions such as desire that might be the driving force of my feelings and ensure I am dealing with intuition.  Even then it can be a difficult decision if your intuition is telling you something that will greatly impact those you care about. For those of us who tend to put others first that can be easy to leave out or devalue ourselves. Take into account others but do not completely sacrificing self to do so. You are unique and there is a reason you are you.

Morning Musing

She lived and loved in a way that the world’s is better for her having been in it. As I sit drinking my coffee this morning on the cozy reading chair snuggled with my cat butterscotch the cool crisp fall air coming through the open window past my other cat Archie, this, I thought is what I want people to say about me when I am gone. At the end of this journey we call life, I want the positives in my life to outweigh the negatives. I want to leave the world a little better than I found it.

How does one do that I begin to contemplate. Well one must believe it can be done. Surely that is the start. Then one must choose to do it. But how. What are the things that I can do that leave the world better both big and small. Okay. I have them. Then I choose to do those things as often as I can. Every time I am given a chose I pick the one that leaves the world better. Sounds simple enough, I think.

Although, I know that it will not be as simple as it seems it will. I know there are times I will choose the easy or the quick because I am tired or world worn. But as long as I keep trying to make better choices and do so more often than not am, I not accomplishing my goals? I’m I not adding more to the positives column. So I make a chose to believe in an ideal and strive to make the choses one at time that will add positives. To not lose hope if I add to the negative but to redouble my efforts and strive to make the next choice a better one.

Forty

I turned 40 in August. It has been an amazing and transformative year for me. My life has changed in many unexpected and wonderful ways. I have both grown as a person and become more accepting of who I am. I feel more at home in my skin than I have ever before in my life. I continually count my blessing including the wonderful people I have in my life. I continue to strive to grow as a person by trying to make conscious ethical fulfilling choices every day.  I can’t wait to see what the next year holds for me. Below are some new poems.

 

My Dreams of You

You come to me in my dreams both sleeping and awake

Your presence speaks of hope and second chances

You bring joy, love, and excitement

As well as pain, heartache, and disappointment

I focus trying to see you more clearly

To envision you in the flesh, in my life

To feel it the good and bad

To apply logic and reason to something that defies it.

I long to hold you in my arms

To see your smile

To hear your laugh

To show you the beauty and wonder of the world

To help you find the strength and courage to seek it even when it seems hidden or lost.

To teach you to live and love in a way that the world’s is better for you having been in it.

Then I awake or I am beckoned back to the world and you fade.

Leaving a longing so strong I ache

I want to transport you from dreams into reality even though I know doing so comes at great personal cost.

 

Somethings Coming

Somethings coming

I can feel it in bones

But I don’t know what it is

 

I have a hidden drive compelling me

To put all the pieces of my life in order

Whispering big changes are coming

 

I comply

Seeking to ready myself for what is to come

Although I can’t see it yet

I can feel it.

 

Every day draws me closer

I scurry about trying to be prepared

To meet the impending deadline

When I know not

Only soon

 

 

The Woman at the party
Your bright smile and infectious laughter draws me in

Longing fills me, to know you to be near you.

Fear and excitement are cascading through me.

Then it’s time to go … our last words? My last look?

The clock spins and time unfolds

 

You walk in and my heart skips a beat for at last we again meet.

Your bright smile and infectious laughter draws me in.

Longing fills me, to know you to be near you.

Fear and excitement are cascading through me.

Then time stands still, long overdue words spoken and our eyes meet.

The clocks spins and time unfolds.

My Compass

The Compass Given

Conservative morals

Limiting Societal Norms

Controlled by guilty and shame

Smashed

Life is too short

Life is filled with dark spaces

It is hard and cruel

The Compass Chosen

Seeks place of Light and Love

Seeks Souls for Mutual Pleasure

Seeks understanding and openness

These fill me with the light

A light I shine on the dark places

Helping those I find there

Bringing peace and hope

Spring Cleaning

Spring Cleaning evokes images of clearing clutter from dusty closets. Going through the mounds of accumulated junk we as humans tend to collect and evaluation of said junk to determine its value. To do this we ask ourselves questions. Do we ever use it? How often? Is there something else that does the same thing? Does it need to be repaired? Do I have the skill, money or desire to repair it? Is it damaged, rotting, or rusted beyond repair. These are all valuable questions in the evaluation process. They  help us remove clutter our lives. We are clearing out all the things that don’t provide value in our lives. We all have a finite amount of time and energy to devote to the maintenance, use, and storage of things. So the act of spring cleaning is a very important one. I would argue spring cleaning is so important it should be applied to more than just the things in our lives. It should be applied to people and thoughts as well.

The older I get the more acutely I feel the finiteness of my time and energy.  The more jealousy I hold onto what time and energy I have. There are so many wonderful things to see in and do in this world. I never want to waste the time and the energy I have on things that don’t hold value for me. So this year I am spring cleaning things, people, and thoughts. I am evaluating each of these by asking those questions I mentioned above.

Who in your life deserve to be priority? Who fulfills you in some way? Are there relationships that need to be repaired? Are there relationships that are beyond repair or so damaged they need to be throw-out? Time and energy sucks that provide no value and may even deplete it from other areas of your life.  The same goes for our thoughts. There are those that provide no value and we need to let them go. To focus in on the important ones that fulfill us in some way. I hope you take time to do a little spring cleaning. To use your finite time and energy in ways that are most fulfilling to you.

Do Nothing Days

I have struggled with anxiety all my life. Fortunately, I have learned skills to help my deal with it and most people who know me don’t have any idea that this is a struggle for me. Those closet to me have seen it when I have not been doing a good job of self-care but I try to be more self-aware and head those off.

One way I do that is through do nothing days. My willpower is strong and I have strengthened it over the years in order to overcome the anxiety and do the things I need and want to do in life.

However, like any other resource it gets depleted and needs to recharge.  One of the ways I do that is by do nothing days. On a do nothing day I only do what I feel like doing. That may be something productive but more often than not it involves a bathrobe, TV, and video games. I used to get down on myself about those days. I have so much I want to do in life and those do nothing days felt like a waste but one day I realized the value of them.

I was always my most energized and productive the day after one of the do nothing days. It was not a lazy day but a day for recharging just like our phones, we need recharging from time to time too. I still have to remind myself from time to time of their value but I am begining to embrace them as an important part of the cycle of my life.

 

Friends, Food, and Culture

I took a couple months downtime in November and December to rest, relax, and re-center my life. I pared down my activities to work and immediate family. In January I was feeling rested, relaxed, and re-centered. I was ready to start adding back activities and people  to my life. I came up with a couple of Ideas that combine activities and friends. The first idea was a weekend food and culture/history adventure. The ideas was once a month a friend or friends and I would find a cultural or historical place to visit. Before or after the visit we would share food. The second ideas was Sunday Afternoon Tea Time. I have always loved hosting tea time and this would add the benefit of friendly conversation. This weekend was the first weekend I put the ideas into action.

Saturday morning after my morning cup of starter fluid I dressed and head out the door to pick up my friend. I picked her up and we started our adventure with food. Something I think of quite fondly and often. For this adventure we went to a favorite of ours Phil’s Diner. I had one of their massive pancakes and a side order of chicken fried steak. Yes, chicken fried steak is actually listed as a side order on their menu. Although, it is a side order it is still a respectable size. My friend had biscuits and gravy and bacon. She is a biscuit connoisseur and was quite pleased with the offering. The food was indulgently delicious as always. We then headed off to the Tulsa Historical Society to immerse ourselves in some local history. We both really enjoyed all the exhibits and architecture. The center is located in a historic home with a modern addition. You could feel the difference once we transition from the new construction to the original home.  I enjoyed learning about the previous owner’s and the fact that the house next door, which is now the garden center, was the owner’s brother’s home. After perusing all the exhibits we called it a day and the adventure a success.

The next day brought Sunday Tea Time. I made English scones and tea sandwiches including cucumber, jam, and cheese. I heated the water and set out the cups. When my friend arrived I had her pick her tea. We brewed our tea and then made our way to the table to enjoy the tea and treats. We talked about our children, husbands, families, careers and more. It had been quite some time since I seen this friend and it was a real treat to catch up. We talked until it was time for me to start dinner for the gaming group. We said our goodbyes and I headed to the kitchen to make the chicken spaghetti. All in all it was an enjoyable tea time and I look forward to the next one.

 

Life Goals not just Resolutions

Someone asked me several weeks ago if I had made a New Year’s resolution and I told them no. I don’t in the true sense of the word.  A once a year promise to myself to complete some goal. I have many goals for myself in a given year based on my life plan overview. Yes. I have a life plan overview. I may adjust it from time to time but the core of it remains the same. I have drawn from many wonderful resources over my life to create this plan and here it is.

Life Plan Overview

SELF: To obtain Well being as define by Dr. Martin Seligman in Flourish, PERMA=Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Purpose, Accomplishment. By obtaining personal well being I achieve my life purpose of helping other through service (healer), protection (warrior), and education (sage).Well being allows me a strong capacity to achieve this goal through modeling behavior as well as actions.

HOME: Goal: To streamline the process of home maintenance as much as possible to ensure needed supplies are available with the least effort possible and to conserve individual and household time and resources so they can be used for more compelling endeavors. Ensure the feeding of body and soul. Create and maintain the home as a sanctuary from the difficulties of the world.

COMMUNITY: Goal: To maximize impact of involvement. To give at each of the three levels of ERG. Existence (Physiological and Safety: hunger, thirst, shelter), Relatedness (Social, External, Esteem: Involvement family, friends, community), Growth (Internal, Esteem, Self-actualization: creative, productive, meaningful tasks).

Every job requires tools of some sort. My life plan goals “job” is not any different and below is the list of tools I use to complete my goals.

Tools:    Time Management

Energy Management

Priority Management

This life plan embodies my ideal plan for myself and my life. I use it as the starting point for my more concrete short term goals.

I did create a list of yearly goals for myself this year to help keep me on track and to take more concrete steps towards achieving my life goals. Here is the outline I used. It is based on my life plan goals and I will adjust it as need throughout the year. Hopefully as I complete goals.

Yearly Goals

Self:       Healer:

                Warrior:

                Sage:

Home:

                Management:

                Nurturing:

                Sanctuary:

Community:       Existence

                                Relatedness

                                Growth

I believe growth as a person and embodiment of our ideal selves and lives is an ongoing process that we should reflect and act on more than once a year. That being said a New Year’s resolution is not a bad place to start.